Whenever she calls me she always smiles, She smiles at the fullest.
We talk not just for ten or twenty minutes but our talks takes at least one complete hour.
I am amazed that how she hide her pain inside her talks and try to make me laugh.
She is my one and only best friend who knows me very well and for her I probably am the one.
But the worst thing about me is that I prefer to message instead of calling and she hates that.
Still in a month she calls me with herself and shouts on me that why I didn’t call but after listening to my old dialogues she starts talking with me and then I share my happenings with her.
She is different yes she’s…
The way she discusses her problem with me and looking for a perfect solution from my side is always making us close.
Her voice clearly reveals the truth that whether she is happy or not but when I insist her to say she hesitate to share – because sometimes I literally do busy in my own stuff which gives her a sense that I am not genuinely interested in her happenings, but that’s the half-truth because I never want her to be in pain and she knows that.
I always tell her to talk to more people and enjoy the goodness of social media to keep herself busy,
Because being alone and being only with a family, partner, and some friends is not a good idea,
One needs to explore the goodness in people and share his/her feelings, but she never understand & backfires me with the saying that I (me) feel bored to talk to her so I say that to talk to others,
and again that is not the truth, I simply share the things with people, which helps me to make myself and themselves better.
But generally people take good things in negative ways, they think that the person who gives something or share something is for sure having some secret agenda or it is nonsense to adopt, sometimes maybe it is the reason but sometimes it is not for sure & for me its perfectly not for sure,
But she knows about my anxiety,
She knows how I cry in between talks when in pain, and she always console me by saying the same to me that stay away from negativity, but she doesn’t know why I didn’t call her many times – because sometimes her negativity very easily transfer into mine.
So, I talk less to make both of us feel better but I helping her whenever she interact with me because Some people in our lives are truly wanted our happiness like family which generally played a negative role in many of the children and in my friend live too, but I know her family wants her good but she didn’t feel it,
She thinks they don’t understand her,
Her age is twenty-five now and I feel the same anxiety when my family keep chanting daily to marry, but the difference in between her and me is that she smiled and keep her anxiety inside and do not share her interest and thoughts with her family but I do,
I do talks to my family no matter what kind of thoughts but I say what I want to because I have a belief that my parent never wants anything bad for me and I told her to talk at least few things bad to her family but at least spit out.
But she always makes her family happy by sayings jokes and all but never tries to talk to them about her dislikes.
She is strong but deep inside I know she is weak, I see her pain when she says that her parent searching a groom for her and suddenly from one emotion to other, she laughs and says that if I don’t like him I say “I am sorry you are ugly ” and again we both laugh.
She is awesome.
Well, I am awesome too because I am more outspoken than her when it comes to my dislikes.
But her caring and laughing nature in every negative situation is what makes her beautiful, that is why whenever she calls I spell out all my worries and frustration first and then she do the same, as because it makes her feel that now I am empty and ready to listen to her worries more attentively with a punches of laughs in between.
Last time I remember we talk about many things but the main topic we talk about is sharing and caring.
We both are having the same traits and feeling in this, we want our family and loved one’s happiness more than others and that doesn’t mean that we both want bad for others but we try to make our family’s proud first and I think that is the most prominent and important thing in our life.
But she always said that I give and give and give but I didn’t get and I know what she means, I know.
Every creature on this earth want affection and when the person only gives her love, power, time to others and didn’t get back all this for a long time, he/she feels habitual but deep inside her heart is not working fully.
And that is the truth and I mean it.
I know how it feels when your expectations are not fulfilled many times.
I know how she feels when she said why God is not listening to my prayers, why not for a single time.
I don’t know what exactly she refers to because our problems are much more in counting than our happiness.
But I always said to her that everything happens for good and will soon happen, let yourself make belief to this, and she interrupts me with a loud and serious mode that no, not with everyone.
I see all those negative vibes she is in prison with.
I didn’t meet her for almost a decade but our calling section is enough to understand each other because somehow we both are related.
I can’t do much for her by sitting far but all I do everything for her to get out of this situation.
I told her to keep all her negative thoughts beside and replace it with positive thoughts but she laughs again and said to me that stop being childish, but this time I shout more than her and in a serious way …
( & for a second I go back to the time when how my love always said me this on a daily basis to stop imagining all the negative scenarios in mind and make the mood worst for the things which never going to happen, I laugh but he diagnose my problem of anxiety and always supports me and show me the affection just opposite of the negativity I have, but the processes of making imagination worst is continuing but today’s the change in me is not easily seen by everyone but the change is definitely in me, I do fight with my demons on a daily basis and replace my negatives with positives. )
I told her that when you can imagine the negative so easily then why can’t you challenge yourself to imagine positively, and she laughs and said because it never gonna happen.
& again I can’t slap on the phone, So I calmly said to her that do it one or two times daily for me as an exercise and then call me.
The chat is over but my mind keeps boggling about the brain game.
Well, the anxiety is a phenomenon phase in human life and people who didn’t understand name it a mental disorder how cool is that, Amazing.
It’s been a month pass even I think two as she didn’t call me, but WhatsApp is still active and she is available there but instead of sending each other quote, morning message and funny texts we didn’t share more or talk more because of my busy schedule.
I know she is waiting for my call but she also knows that she can type a message like she types quote and all those funny memes and laugh in between but I am a bitch she know, I prefer texting over calling.
But after a day passing in betwen the month, I miss her & I want to talk to her but I also have a lots of stuffs and happings in life which I want to share but I can’t,
but the day finally I call her…
Her mother picks the phone and it never happens in a decade when her mother picks the phone.
She is gone.
I never ever pardon myself for the things which I do or I didn’t do for her.
But that bloody depression kills her & kills her slowly and without noise …
Her laughs are not genuine neither it will be for me.
She is a survivor, She is bold, She is beautiful, She is crazy and I am blessed to have a friend like her & will always have.
To be continued …